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I made a compilation of (almost all) GBF.wiki's April Fools Art Swap references.

Credits to Lumos96 for the some of the screencaps here.
(Please do note that the Expected column are just solely my opinions. If you have any other expectations for the April Fools Art swap of these characters, you might want to share with us here.)
Characters:
Name April Fool "Base Art" Expected
GBF Wiki's Vyrn Ball Vyrn Ball, but it's Red Sphere.
Main Character (untouched, really?)
Albert Albert in his Dragalia Lost rendition.
Aletheia Gandalf (Sir Ian McKellen), Lord of the Rings series
Alexiel Drawn Haruhi Suzumiya in Alexiel outfit (VA Joke: Aya Hirano)
Altair Altair (Assassin's Creed)
Andira Generic cartoon monkey
Anila Generic cartoon sheep Shawn the Sheep? Hibiki Tachibana? Okita Souji (F/GO)? Any freaking Aoi Yuuki role?
Anre A stock image of a potato replaced his body aside from her mustache, and his spear. Pringles
Anzu Futaba A stillshot of Anzu from the [email protected] anime, with a screenshot of a tumblr post.
Aoidos Crow (Show By Rock!!) (VA Joke: Kishow Taniyama)
Arthur (Event)) Arthur Read Arthur Pendragon) (Fate/Prototype)?
Athena Athena (Saint Seiya) Athena Asamiya (KoF)?
Ayer A stillshot from Fight Club?
Azazel Azazel being runned over by Bacchus' carriage in Shingeki no Bahamut: Genesis anime. Fun fact: It's actually his low HP animation in-game.
Baal Demonic Baal (any depictions or illustrations from history, books, or other media)
Bakura (Yami) Bakura (Yu-Gi-Oh!)
Beatrix Beatrix (Platinum Sky) on an end subtitle from the last episode of Cowboy Bebop. Umineko Beatrice? Divine Comedy Beatrice?
Black Knight A black knight from Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Fire Emblem Path of Radiance Black Knight/Zelgius?
Blazing Teacher Elmott Eikichi Onizuka (Great Teacher Onizuka)
Cagliostro 2019: Alessandro Cagliostro, 2020: Cagliostro (Symphogear)
Cagliostro (Dark)) Cagliostro (Transformed) (Symphogear)
Cagliostro (Summer)) More Symphogear Cagliostro
Caim Caim (Drakengard (PS2))
Cain (Grand)) CnC: Red Alert Kane (Joseph Kucan) Kain Highwind? Biblical Cain?
Cassius (Event)) Image manipulated (Society event spoilers!) Cassius with his head opened up in the fashion of a bottle cap.
Cassius (Summer)) Twitter post screencap.
Catherine (SR)) 2019: Katherine from Catherine. This too was removed from the wiki.
Cerberus Her render from Dragalia Lost, like Lily and Albert?
Ceylan and Clarisse
Charlotta Stock image of potatoes on a box Saber from Fate/stay night?
Charlotta (Light)) Stock image of a lightbulb on a potato. Specifically, a potato battery. Saber from Fate/stay night doing her Noble Phantasm?
Chat Noir 2019: Cat Noir (Miraculous: Tales Of Ladybug & Cat Noir,) although they removed it. Joker, but not in his GBF rendition? Lupin III? Any gentleman thief?
Chloe Kuro/Chloe von Einzbern
Chloe (Summer) Kuro/Chloe von Einzbern in a swimsuit.
Christina 2019: The poker game. 2020: Chris Yukine (Transformed) (Symphogear XV)
Clarisse Drawn rendition of Clarisse with Djeeta and Cagliostro on an explosion in the fashion of "Disaster Girl" meme.
Clarisse (Holiday)) Drawn rendition of Clarisse with Djeeta and Cagliostro on an exploded Christmas tree in the fashion of "Disaster Girl" meme.
Clarisse (Light)) Drawn rendition of Clarisse with Djeeta and Cagliostro on an explosion with flare effects in the fashion of "Disaster Girl" meme.
Clarisse (Valentine)) Drawn rendition of Clarisse with Djeeta and Cagliostro on an explosion with Valentine Chocolates as debris in the fashion of "Disaster Girl" meme.
Colossus Colossus (Marvel Comics) The Colossal Titan? The Colossi from Shadow of the Colossus game?
Cucouroux (SSR) "kokoro" (JP: heart) jokes
Cure Black and Cure White Their character design from their home series.
Dante Dante (Devil May Cry 1 render)
Dante (SR)) Dante (Devil Mary Cry 4 render)
Dante and Freiheit 2019: Some man carrying with a guitar case, featuring Freiheit from granbleu fantasy series. 2020: Dante (Unlockable Super Dante outfit) (Devil May Cry 4) with Freiheit. "Boomer Dante" as his uncap art.
Deliford Delibird (Pokémon)
Deliford (SR)) Delibird (Pokémon) in HD
Dorothy Aqua (Seiyuu Joke)
Drang (Grand)) "What are you gonna do, stab me?" image. Trivia: It was deleted last year, but it came back this year. Gintoki Sakata (VA joke: Tomokazu Sugita)
Drusilla A screenshot of emptied rupies (A reference to her Rupie-spending skillset.)
Eahta Kyoshiro Senyro (Samurai Shodown series)
Ejaeli Kirby with Mike ability (Kirby series)
Elmott "Elmo Rise" meme
Estarriola Kirby with Sleep ability (Kirby series)
Eugen Prinz Eugen (the real ship or its shipfu (Kancolle, Azur Lane) equivalent.)
Eugen (Grand)) Edited brown-hued Mr. Krabs (Spongebob Squarepants) with a eyepatch, and a shotgun. Prinz Eugen (the real ship or its shipfu (Kancolle, Azur Lane) equivalent.)
Europa Europa (moon)/Jupiter II, one of the moons of planet Jupiter. Europa (Fate/Grand Order)?
Eustace Eustace (Courage the Cowardly Dog)
Farrah (Summer)) Farrah Fawcett
Feather All kinds of "feather" in the game as a pun. From top to center, clockwise: Falcon Feather, Mystical Feather, Gleaming Feather, Zephyr Feather, Fortuitous Feather, Satin Feather, and Azure Feather. Missing are the Primarch Pinions, which they're also feathers.
Feather (SR)) Rock Howard (Fatal Fury and King of Fighters series)
Feather (Halloween)) An illustration of a black feather.
Feower Anpanman
Ferry A ferry boat, or her pits.
Ferry (Grand) A ferry boat, or her pits.
Ferry (Halloween) A ferry boat, or her pits.
Ferry (SSR) A ferry boat, or her pits.
Ferry and Tyre
Fif Kirby with Mirror ability (Kirby series) Doraemon (VA joke)
Forte Forte (Megaman series)
Fraux Yukiho Hagiwara (Punishing Fallen Angel) ([email protected] Starlight Stage: Cinderella Girls) (VA joke: Azumi Asakura)
Freezie Frieza (Dragon Ball Z series) (a "freezing" pun) A freezer.
Friday (Summer)) A stillshot from Rebecca Black's "Friday" music video (probably a thumbnail on Youtube.)
Gachapin The Holiday/New YeaAnniversary Roulette
Galadar The illustration of Pokemon Sword and Shield's Galar region.
Garma His original art with "Level 1 Crook" on top of it, referencing the infamous Mafia City ads (see Yuisis.)
Gawain Char Aznable with MS-06S Char's Zaku II (Mobile Suit Gundam), but somehow the wiki removed it. F/GO Gawain? F/GO Riyo Gawain?
Geisenborger An image of a hamburger (YUM.)
Ghandagoza Akuma (Street Fighter series, but on his Tekken 7 incarnation) after using the Raging Demon Rage Art (referencing Ghandagoza's FLB uncap art.)
Goblin Mage Goblin Mage (Final Fantasy IX)
Grimnir PriConne art of Kokkoro
Grimnir (Valentine)) PriConne art of Kokkoro (New Year)
Haaselia Kaguya (Dynamis Series summon) (moon puns.) The Moon from Soul Eater? The (damaged) Moon from Assassination Classroom? The (shattered) Moon from RWBY? Or that moon from The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time?
Haohmaru Hyakkimaru from Dororo
Helel ben Shalem Maggie Simpson (The Simpsons) Koenma (Yu Yu Hakusho)
Io Eeyore (Winnie the Pooh) (pronunciation joke)
Io (Grand)) Nanoha Takamachi (Magical Girl Lyrical Nanoha) (VA joke: Yukari Tamura)
Ippatsu This image with Ippatsu's face edited over the man's face.
Izmir Elsa (Frozen)
Jeanne d'Arc Jeanne d'Arc/Ruler from Fate/Apocrypha (Fate/Grand Order, initial art)
Jeanne d'Arc (Dark)) Jeanne d'Arc (Alter) (Fate/Grand Order)
Jeanne d'Arc (Grand)) Jeanne d'Arc/Ruler from Fate/Apocrypha (Fate/Grand Order, 4th Ascension art)
Jeanne d'Arc (SR)) Jeanne d'Arc (Santa Lily Alter) (Fate/Grand Order)
Jeanne d'Arc (Themed)) A screencap of Granblue Fantasy's maintenance page (only works when there's really a maintenance going on.) (referencing her banner started with the servers crashing.) Fate/Grand Order's version of Summer Jeanne).
Johann An image of Johann Strauss, himself or his son.
Joker 2019: Joker (Batman the Animated Series) 2020: still Joker (Batman: the Animated Series, but he's holding a card with his face on it.)
Karteira Tressa Colzione (Octopath Traveler) Francesca (Dragalia Lost)
Katalina (Grand)) Murgleis (her recuitment weapon) Herself rubbing Vyrn??
Kokkoro Rage of Bahamut art of Grimnir (Grimnir Returns)
Kolulu A photo of Yuuki Ono, Gran and Lancelot's voice actor, the Gislalord.
Korwa A Polish "kurwa" joke i.e. Stachu Jones?
Krugne Ryuji Otogi (Yu-Gi-Oh!)
Kumbhira Generic clip art of a boar on a bamboo.
La Coiffe Edward Scissorhands (Johnny Depp)
Lady Katapillar and Vira Vaporeon, Caterpie (Pokémon)
Laguna Laguna Loire (FFVIII), or the Laguna de Bay or the eponymous province in the Philippines.
Lamretta Any liquors? Johnny Walker? Absolut?
Lamretta (R) Any liquors? Johnny Walker? Absolut?
Lamretta (Water) Any liquors? Johnny Walker? Absolut?
Lancelot Lancelot (Saber) (Fate/Grand Order, 4th Ascension art) Lancelot (Berserker) (Fate/Grand Order?) Lancelot from Mike, Lu & Og?
Lecia Lecia's expression with 3 stars on her background (probably a joke as she's the only main story SR character (not counting Rein) without an FLB uncap.)
Leonora Kunoichi (Samurai Warriors)
Levi Leviathan (the Bible,) or the Leviathan/Leviathan Omega in-game?
Levin Sisters Top to bottom: Madoka Kaname (Mahou Shoujo Madoka Magica,) Shuten-douji (Fate/Grand Order,) Hibiki Tachibana (Symphogear series.) (VA joke: Aoi Yuuki)
Lilele Ranka Lee (Macross Frontier)
Lily Lily in her Dragalia Lost rendition.
Lily (Event)) Clay Golem with an SR crystal above it.
Lobelia Cioccolata w/ his Stand, Green Day (JoJo's Bizarre Adventure: Vento Aureo)
Lucio Lucifer (Shin Megami Tensei series) with 3 image stock katanas and a pair of small wings edited behind him.
Lucius Dio Brando (JoJo's Bizarre Adventure: Phantom Blood, episode 1) (VA joke: Takehito Koyasu)
Lucius (Fire)) Dio Brando (JoJo's Bizarre Adventure: Phantom Blood, episode 3) (VA joke: Takehito Koyasu)
Lucius (SSR)) DIO w/ ZA WARUDO (JoJo's Bizarre Adventure: Stardust Crusaders) (VA joke: Takehito Koyasu)
Ludmila A mushroom poster named "Poisonous & Psychotropic Mushrooms", originally created by David Arora, a renowned mycologist.
Luna Kaguya Luna (a virtual Youtuber)
Lunalu (SSR)) Lunalu's event portait with a bunch of skill icons on her paper. Said skill icon is "Ground Zero," Sarasa/Threo's notable skill, in which it is notoriously used with Lunalu's Facsimile skill.
Mahira Generic clip art of a chicken with Mahira's string edited on it.
Maria Theresa Maria Theresa Amalia Walburga von Österreich, the ruler of Habsburg dominions, the Duchess of Lorraine, Grand Duchess of Tuscany and Holy Roman Empress.
Mariah Mariah Carey
Marquiares Megumin (KonoSuba) with an pair of angled shades edited in.
Medusa An edited image of a jellyfish with Medusa's eyes, and blushes. F/SN RideMedusa
Medusa (Promo)) Original art of Medusa with LogicLinks logo over it (refers to her required method of recruiting her.)
Melissabelle An MSPaint rendition of a corn.
Melissabelle (Valentine)) An MSPaint rendition of a corn, with a pink heart.
Mirin Kikkoman Aji-Mirin.
Monika FE Three Houses' Bernadetta (VA joke: Ayumi Tsuji), or Doki Doki Literature Club Monika.
Monika (Grand) FE Three Houses' Bernadetta (VA joke: Ayumi Tsuji), or Doki Doki Literature Club Monika.
Mugen A screenshot of a M.U.G.E.N. gameplay. Characters are "Oira GF" by yugusic, and the stage is the "The Grancypher" from Panda Hoodie Grl & friends.
Narmaya Original art with Mao Ichimichi (M・A・O)'s head edited over Narmaya's head.
Narmaya (Holiday)) Original art with Mao Ichimichi (M・A・O)'s head edited over Narmaya's head.
Narmaya (Summer)) Original art with Mao Ichimichi (M・A・O)'s head edited over Narmaya's head.
Narmaya (Valentine)) Original art with Mao Ichimichi (M・A・O)'s head edited over Narmaya's head.
Nemone Original art, repeated all over the place (probably a reference to her catchphrase.)
Nezahualpilli A clip art of a "birdman" holding a spear.
Nicholas Genji (Overwatch)
Nier NieR (Gestalt) US PS3 box art Sakura Matou, or NieR Automata-related crap
Nina Drango "Blush Value" of characters in the wiki superimposed over each other.
Niyon Hiding in a cardbox in Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain. Probably a reference to her appearance in Grand Blues. Notte (Dragalia Lost)
Orchid 2019: A stock image of an orchid flower. 2020: Carl Clover and Deus Machina: Nirvana (Blazblue)
Owen Owen's character design in Shingeki no Bahamut: Manaria Friends.
Paris (Event)) The Eiffel Tower in Paris, France.
Pavidus A screencap of Willie McNabb's tweet.
Pecorine Original art with Mao Ichimichi (M・A・O)'s head edited over Pecorine's head.
Pengy Pingu
Percival Percy the Small Engine (Thomas and Friends)
Petra (SSR) JoJo Stand jokes.
Philosophia Anything regarding Philosophy.
Philosophia (SR) Anything regarding Philosophy.
Predator The Predator) from Alien vs. Predator
Rackam Various panels from Grand Blues of Rackam doing stupid things, and exploding.
Rackam (Grand) Laguna Loire (FFVIII)/Balthier (FFXII) (VA joke: Hiroaki Hirata)
Randall (SR) Sanji from One Piece, Hwoarang from Tekken series?
Rei Rei Ayanami (Neon Genesis Evangelion) (name joke) Anyone with bizarre things in their eyes (i.e. Ciel Phantomhive, Lelouch, Sharingan users, FREAKING SHIKI RYOUGI?)
Reinhardtzar (Grand) (don't bother, it's empty.)
Richard The Jewel Resort Casino Poker game
Richard (SR) The Jewel Resort Casino Poker game
Romeo (Event) Ramza Beoulve (Final Fantasy Tactics), or any similar designs from Akihiko Yoshida.
Rosamia Any of Yui Ishikawa's roles (2B, Enterprise, Mikasa, Violet Evergarden?)
Rosamia (SR) Any of Yui Ishikawa's roles (2B, Enterprise, Mikasa, Violet Evergarden?)
Rosamia (SSR) (She was once had a April Fool quirk, the Colony Laser from Mobile Suit Gundam, but somehow they removed it.) Any of Yui Ishikawa's roles (2B, Enterprise, Mikasa, Violet Evergarden?)
Rosetta (Grand) Kiara Sesshouin? (VA joke)
Sakura Shinguji The commercial with her VA, and Segata Sanshiro.
Sandalphon (Event)) An iPhone 5, with a phone case that looks like a Japanese slipper. It's a visual pun.
Sarunan (Dark)) Sarunan (Dark) in a jar of honey.
Scathacha Scathach (Fate/Grand Order) alternative: Scathach (Shin Megami Tensei)
Scathacha (Valentine) Scathach-Skadi (Fate/Grand Order)
Seofon His Eternal's Summer Vacation outfit, but focused on his abs and crotch.
Seox A Scooby-Doo parody of unmasking Seox, with Gran as Fred and him as a villain in a ghost costume.
Shao The Medicine Seller from Mononoke (no, not the Ghibli one.) (VA joke: Takahiro Sakurai)
Shiva 2019: A title screen of a game based on an Indian Nickolodeon show. 2020: Shiva (Final Fantasy XIV: Heavensward)
Siegfried Saber of Black (Siegfried) from Fate/Apocrypha (Fate/Grand Order, 4th Ascension art)
Siegfried (Fire) Sieg from Fate/Apocrypha
Societte (Fire) A stock image of an helicopter.
Sophia Sophia, the Goddess (Warring Triad)) (Final Fantasy XIV: Heavensward)
Spinnah 2019: A stock image of a fidget spinner, but somehow they deleted it.
Stan An album cover of "#" by the K-pop girlgroup LOONA. The term "stan" is used within the general pop fandom that means "stalker fan." It is mostly used within the K-Pop fandom.
Sturm (Grand)) Strum (Advance Wars (GBA))
Suzaku Kururugi I can't find them, there's only soup. I mean I'm at soup! I'M AT THE SOUP STORE!!!
Tanya Tanya Degurechaff (Saga of Tanya the Evil) (name joke)
Therese (Event)) Yugi Muto "dueling" (Yu-Gi-Oh!)
Threo 2019: Soul Balm > A stock image of a two-layered cake.
Tiamat Tiamat (Dungeons and Dragons) Beast II (Fate/Grand Order)
Tien Tien Shinhan (Dragon Ball) Something TH-related.
Tsubasa Tsubasa Kazanari (Symphogear XD Unlimited)
Tweyen A kitchen twine (probably a pronunciation pun)
Tyre There's no other reference like Gaston! (Beauty and the Beast, 1991 animated movie)
Uzuki Shimamura Z35 (Azur Lane) (Design and VA joke)
Vajra Generic clip art of a dog with a red scarf, while there's a similar looking fish down there.
Vane A wind vane.
Vania A red apple core (Vampy is core + (potential) The Twilight Saga) reference?)
Viceroy An Iron Cluster. (why?)
Vikala A cartoon illustration of a rat with balloons.
Vira Eevee (Pokémon)
Vira (Grand)) Sylveon (Pokémon) with Luminiera/Chevalier Bits
Vira (Promo)) Flareon (Pokémon)
Vira (SSR)) Umbreon (Pokémon)
Vira (Summer)) Leafeon (Pokémon)
Vira (Wind)) Jolteon (Pokémon)
Volenna (Event)) Lightning (Knight of Etro outfit) (Final Fantasy XIII-2)
Walder (Holiday)) Generic clip art of a man's head with a Christmas tree and Santa's hat at the top.
Wulf and Renie 2019: A stock clip-art of Red Riding Hood and a wolf. 2020: Akazukin (Otogi Jushi Akazukin)
Yggdrasil Suzuho Ueda ([email protected] Cinderella Girls: Starlight Stage, Smiling Tree+ art)
Yngwie Blastoise (Pokémon) Yngwie Malmsteen
Yodarha (SSR)) An illustration of Yoda (Star Wars) (nickname joke)
Yuisis Her original art with the phrase "Level 100 Boss" over it. Probably a reference to the infamous Mafia City ads (see Garma.)
Yuisis (Fire) 2B (Nier Automata)
Yurius Marluxia (Kingdom Hearts)
Zahlhamelina A stock image of a potato replaced her body aside from her hands, her staff, and the flames.
Zeta A photo of Kana Hanazawa.
Zooey Original art with a screenshot of a tumblr post over it.
Zooey (Promo)) Original art of Zooey with GBF-themed SMBC Visa credit cards on both hands (refers to her required method of recruiting her.)
If something's missing here (especially when they add more April Fools crap on the wiki while I make this,) or any mistakes here, leave a comment.
submitted by Kalafino to Granblue_en [link] [comments]

2015 Offseason Review Series: Day 2 (Cleveland Browns)

Cleveland Browns

Division: AFC North

Intro

I don't think I need to pontificate too long one where the Cleveland Browns stand coming out of 2014. The Browns hit a promising 7-4 record after week 12, in spite of key injuries to Alex Mack and Jordan Cameron, with Josh Gordon suspended, and well-hyped rookie QB Johnny Manziel sitting on the bench. Most seasons, this would be considered a success of the new coaching staff and front office, and a sign that maybe the team was heading in the right direction for the first time in the Jimmy Haslam era, but things ended in a complete trainwreck by most accords: hometown hero QB Brian Hoyer wasn't playing up to snuff and would be benched for Manziel, who actually played worse. The lack of depth and internal drama within the coaching staff and front office became the headlines, and to make matters worse, Manziel would manage to find himself injured only 7 quarters into his football career during the Week 16 encounter against the Panthers.
Cleveland slammed the brakes hard and ended with a 7-9 record, with more questions than answers about the state of the team and the front office than ever. Hell, for most of this offseason, people have genuinely been wondering if Cleveland wasn't going to go out of its way to draft a replacement QB for Johnny Manziel, who barely played 2 games. If that doesn't tell you all you need to know how rough this season ended…
Having lived through awful regime after awful regime in the ownership (Randy "Aston Villa Enthusiast" Lerner), front office (Phil "How Much Can We Trade To Dallas" Savage, Carmen "Can't Wait to Go Back to Cali" Policy, and Mike "Worst Draft Gambler Of All Time" Holmgren), and the coaching staff (Butch "Arrogant Fuck" Davis, Romeo "Carl Winslow" Crennel, Eric "Mangina" Mangini, and Pat "Incompetent Shitbrick" Shurmur), all I'm hoping to get coming out of this offseason is a sign that things are on the right path for the first time in a while, and they may just be.

Coaching Changes

  • January 8, 2015: Offensive Coordinator Kyle Shanahan leaves the Cleveland Browns after disagreements with the front office.
  • January 9, 2015: QB’s coach Dowell Loggains is fired.
  • January 15, 2015: WR’s coach Mike McDaniel leaves the Browns in a mutual end.
  • January 21, 2015: The Browns hire John DeFilippo as the new Offensive Coordinator from Oakland.
  • January 28, 2015: The Browns hire Joker Phillips as the new WR coach, his first stint coaching in the NFL.
  • January 31, 2015: The Browns hire Kevin O’Connell as the new QB coach, his first stint coaching in the NFL
So the Browns had a busy January. >_>
The issues with Kyle Shanahan and the Cleveland Browns became so prevalent near the end of his run that they nearly eclipsed the Manziel discussion (at least locally) during the 5-game losing streak to end the 2014 campaign. He clearly didn’t see what the front office saw in Johnny Manziel and there was a lack in synergy between him, Mike Pettine, and the decision makers. It was also clear that Dowell Loggains might have been a contributor to the problems, stemming all the way back to draft night rumors that he’d been texting Johnny Manziel about “wrecking this league”. The move was inevitable, but all things considered, the Browns went from young offensive minds to more young offensive minds in their replacements.
While losing Shanahan’s “prodigal” offensive coaching ability hurt, gaining John DeFilippo, who had been instrumental in working with a young Mark Sanchez in his best season and seemed to have a positive early influence on Derek Carr, certainly softened the blow. DeFilippo fits with what Pettine wants in hard-nosed guys, and hopefully will be a catalyst towards some change on and off the field with this group. Adding Joker Phillips, who is seemingly eternally better suited as a coordinator, and Kevin O’Connell, who seems to be exclusively working to find young talent a QB, might have a set-up in Cleveland made for beyond 2016. It's not a sexy group of coaches, but they will be capable; inexperienced nevertheless, but still capable.

Free Agency

Coming off a mass coaching exodus on the offensive side of the ball, it's no surprise a lot of change in on-field personnel was coming this offseason as well:

Players Lost

Player Position New team
Brian Hoyer QB Texans
Jim Leonard SS Retired
Miles Austin WR Eagles
Jordan Cameron TE Dolphins
Ahtyba Rubin DL Seahawks
Jabaal Sheard OLB Patriots
Buster Skrine CB Jets
Paul McQuistan OL Released
Spencer Lanning P Buccaneers
Nick McDonald OL Released
Christian Yount LS Released
Major Losses: Brian Hoyer, Jordan Cameron, Ahtyba Rubin, Jabaal Sheard, Buster Skrine
When you’re losing 5 freaking starters from 2014, it’s never a good thing.
Brian Hoyer may have completely fallen apart in the second half of last season, but it’s become more and more difficult to determine where it was lost; was it coaching? Did Hoyer just go cold or was he never that good to begin with? Were we in love with the idea of him more than what he really was; a hometown boy who was peaking too quickly? Any way you dice it, after a dismal finish, Hoyer left, hopeful for greener pastures in Houston. When Hoyer had a healthy offensive line and was on point, he wasn't setting the world on fire, but looked capable enough to work as a system QB. Maybe he'll never go on to be more than a backup in the longer term, but with what limited time he had, Brian Hoyer, in spite of a 19-19 TD/INT line, was 10-6 as a starter, which by most counts is a playoff team. I don't think anyone wishes him ill, we just wish he'd been more 2013 Brian Hoyer.
He would be followed out after a, frankly, confusing free agency mess over Pro Bowl TE Jordan Cameron, which involved Charles Clay ending up in Buffalo and Cameron turning around after an offer from Cleveland and signing with Miami the same day. I heard this entirely play out on the radio as our hosts seemed to have less of a clue than I did as to what was going on. Any way you dice it, Cameron's venture out to free agency was not a graceful exit, but Cameron was an excellent athletic target when he was healthy. He removes a big piece from the passing game and if Miami can tap into him and keep him on the field, he can be a top-tier TE.
On the other side of the ball, some would argue that Ahtyba Rubin became disposable after a somewhat pedestrian 2014, only logging 28 tackles on what was considered a significantly poor defensive line, but Rubin was a leader on defense since 2008.
The same could be said about Jabaal Sheard, who slipped a bit in production last year but was locked into an odd spot between Krueger and Mingo in the pass rush, is only 26 years old, and still has potential for success in New England; and the fact that he was rather active with the Cleveland fan base only makes it a tougher.
Buster Skrine at any given time was the most beloved and most reviled CB in Cleveland Browns history, but he earned his keep in 2014 with a strong campaign in spite of young challengers at CB behind him.
Minor losses: Jim Leonard, Spencer Lanning
More than anything, Jim Leonard was a good dude, who was an impactful player on special teams, with a wealth of knowledge for younger players. But retirement comes to all. There are still some great veterans on this squad, but at the end of the day, solid support from well vested veterans does matter.
I'll miss you forever, Spencer Lanning.

Players Added

Player Position Old team
Josh McCown QB Buccaneers
Brian Hartline WR Dolphins
Dwayne Bowe WR Chiefs
Tramon Williams CB Packers
Randy Starks DL Dolphins
Rob Housler TE Cardinals
Thad Lewis QB Texans, Bills, Browns, fuck, maybe Argonauts?
Andy Lee P Niners (Trade)
Major Additons: Tramon Williams, Randy Starks, Brian Hartline, Dwayne Bowe
The Browns were sitting on a ton of draft picks and still had a lot of talent (when that talent decided to play...looking at you Justin Gilbert) from last year's draft. They needed to get younger while providing leadership on defense, and that's what two of these signings did. The other two were simply pick-ups that were by utter necessity. But there was still cap space to be shed by the Browns, and although they approached FA lightly (so as to accumulate compensatory picks in 2016)
Tramon Williams got himself $21 million because if you're a CB, Mike Pettine wants you on his team. I believe we currently have brought 94 CB's to camp this year. But beyond Pettine's depth-in-the-secondary fetish, Williams is a solid cover-man who can help alongside Joe Haden to add veteran leadership to the motley crue of CB's. Yes, he's 32, and he did get a bit big of a pay-day, but at this point, if you want Pierre Desir, Justin Gilbert, and Ka'Waun Williams to reach their potential (that's not even counting the other 2 freaking CB's we drafted), you need more than Haden to get them there with Skrine departing.
In the same vein, Randy Starks. Starks isn't going to set the world on fire on that defensive line, but he will likely not be asked to be the anchor with some other additions this offseason in the draft, and can provide guidance to the young players on a defensive line that was frankly...well, shit, and has been shit for any number of reasons for several years. Be it the health of the team or the lack of talent, stopping the run was a key point from this offseason, and the Browns actually took action to fix it.
Rounding out the big pieces on the FA class, your 2011 fantasy WRs! Neither Dwayne Bowe nor Brian Hartline has been anything more than above-average in their long-term careers, and there's any number of things you could blame that on; poor QB's, poor coaching staffs and offensive schemes, or their own limited ability as WR’s, but both bring one thing Cleveland lacks; veteran targets. With the departure of Miles Austin and...well, something else we'll get to shortly, the Browns have no weapons for whoever ends up throwing the damn ball aside from slot guys like Andrew Hawkins and Taylor Gabriel. Even if the Browns get very little in the long term from either guy, they are going to be the Browns' receiving corps in 2015; and both have plenty to prove.
Minor Additions: Josh McCown, Rob Housler, Andy Lee
Let's be clear: the signing of Josh "It's Josh Fucking McCown, Do We Even Need a Nickname?" McCown was not because the Browns thought he was some incredible QB who could be the answer. He's 34, he's coming off an awful season, and I think we all know the McCown "career backup" legacy he and his brother Luke have created. Honestly, McCown is here to be a quiet backup. Although he may be called on to start a bit this season, he's not here to be the long-term QB. The Browns fielded him a bit extra money because of the cap room, but he's here as a very, very short bridge to either seeing what we have in Johnny Manziel or "Cardared Hackookiel" next year. And that's fine. I'm not a huge fan of it on the whole, but in that sense, it at least is rooted in some reason.
Another injury-bugged TE in Rob Housler, Housler at least offers some hope of finding a target at the position for a team that lacks it. And he's only 27; he's still got a little time to get it right.
The trade to the 49ers was an odd one (mainly because if I wanted a special teams player from San Francisco, it would be PHIL WE MISS YOU) but Andy Lee is a damn good punter who will do one thing; facilitate the defense. If the offense is struggling as it seems they may, Lee should be able to pin the opposing team deep in their own territory to allow the defense to try and make them make mistakes.

Draft

...wait, there was supposed to be an angry rant here. Where'd I put that?
....no. No fucking way. The Browns didn't completely muck up this draft?
Player Round, Pick Analysis
Danny Shelton, DT, Washington 1.12 The main commitment from the Browns this year was to fix the run D, and Feast Mode is here to do just that. Shelton is a big, BIG boy at 339lbs, and although most expect him to be a 2-down player, he's an animated, deceptively quick anchor NT who happened to do his workouts for the draft in a fucking lava lava. He then won the hearts of America when he attempted to hit Goodell with the belly-to-belly suplex. We already love this dude, his story is incredible, and I hope he becomes a fixture on the defensive line for years, maybe even as a 3-down player if his weight keeps in check. It's high time we got the D-Line right in the long term.
Cameron Erving, OL, Florida State 1.19 In the bar I was sitting in watching on draft night, almost everyone walked out when the Browns passed on Breshad Perriman. Perriman may turn out to be a fantastic WR, but this pick was honestly way smarter than Farmer's gotten credit for: One, it provides a safety net for if Alex Mack opts to leave Cleveland after this offseason, as Erving was a more than capable C at FSU. Two, it pushes Mitchell Schwartz and John "Get Pushed Back Seven Yards Every Play" Greco into competition on the right side of the line. If you aren't elite, shoring up the lines is never a bad idea, and this was an investment with not just 2015 but 2016 and beyond in mind. That's something you don't see in Cleveland often.
Nate Orchard, OLB, Utah 2.19 A theme of this draft was "Let's pass on Jaelen Strong and make JohnnyFire angry", but we made up for that getting a guy who was just an awesome fit. Orchard may have been a bit of a "one-year sensation", but he also fits exactly the character and play style that Pettine is looking for in the pass rush and will quickly make up for the loss of Jabaal Sheard, as well as pushing Mingo and Kruger to keep up. This seemed so obvious even dumb me was able to predict it on the /Browns contest this year.
Duke Johnson, RB, Miami 3.13 At this point in the draft I'd accepted the Browns were just not going to take a WR, especially since now all of the ones with any hype (aside from Sammie Coates) were well off the board. That said, Duke Johnson possess speed that Terrance "Instagram Failure" West lacks and escapability that Isaiah "Lunchables Enthusiast" Crowell lacks, and he can catch passes. Yes, the Browns maybe didn't need Duke Johnson, but who cares; if there's a special player available as the BPA, you get him, and if Johnson lives up to his potential, he could be a huge get for the Browns.
Xavier Cooper, DL, Washington State 3.32 Much was made post-draft of how heavily the Browns scouted the Pac-12, and this is true when they garnered (to some) the best two D-Line prospects in the conference. Cooper actually fits a bit more of the mold of Randy Starks, and although he is a raw talent, he'll have a great mentor and get time to develop. To sneak up and grab a second highly-touted piece to stop the run and improve the Front 7 was incredibly solid of this FO.
Ibraheim Campbell, SS, Northwestern 4.16 Oh hey, the guy I always grabbed using the First-Pick simulator to bump up my final score in the 4th round! Truth is that Donte Whitner isn't going to be around forever, and Campbell was a strong S prospect (albeit in a weak class) that could learn well from the veteran, and will contribute heavily on special teams with the loss of Jim Leonard.
Vince Mayle, WR, Washington State 4.24 Okay, Farmer, let's talk a moment. I love what you did with this draft. I really do. But this is the first WR you opt to take? Yeah, Mayle has prototypical size, and yeah, he could certainly be molded into a solid weapon due to his raw athleticism. But in order to get to this point, you left on the board Devante Parker, Breshad Perriman, Phillip Dorsett, Devin Smith, Dorial Green Beckham, Devin Funchess, Tyler Lockett, Jaelen Strong, Chris Conley, Sammie Coates, Ty Montgomery, Jamison Crowder and Justin Hardy. Many of those guys I honestly didn't even want, but this pick sadly reeked of just being too-little-too-late. But I'm gonna root for Super Smash Bros. Mayle and hope he develops quickly.
Charles Gaines, CB, Louisville 6.13 Mike Pettine has a fetish for CB’s, we know this. Gaines lacks a lot in size, and that's the main thing that kept him from getting over the hump, but working in the slot and using his speed, he could be beyond just a depth or special teams guy when called upon. An okay depth move all things considered.
Malcolm Johnson, TE/HB, Mississippi State 6.19 With the Browns going run-first in 2015, you need to get someone who can work better as a FB than...god, I can't even make a joke here because I can't remember the name of a Browns FB to save my life. Johnson will probably end up being asked to be an H-Back TE who could slot in at FB and help open lanes, or push forward.
Randall Tefler, TE, USC 6.22 Another Pac-12 find. I wasn't a huge fan on many TE's in the draft class, although I would've liked to see the Browns make an effort to get someone more dynamic. That said, Tefler is a solid blocker who will likely be used to add depth/replace Gary Barnidge or Jim "Forgot About" Dray in the blocker TE role. If nothing else, a low-risk depth move.
Hayes Pullard, ILB, USC 7.2 A very patient player who seemed to lack the killer instinct that other ILB prospects showed on the field, Pullard this late was a decent pick-up. He'll have a good mentor in Dansby and he can function well as a role-player and special teams guy.
Ifo Ekpre-Olomu, CB, Oregon 7.24 I was actually watching the pre-Kentucky Derby at a casino in Cleveland when this pick was made, and there was an audible "HOLY CRAP!" from so many people around when the pick was finalized. There will be a lot asked for Captain IEO (He needs to moonwalk for his touchdown pick-6 return celebrations while "Another Part of Me" plays, real talk.) to get back to full strength in 2016, but if Ifo manages to get back to there and meets his expectations, this secondary could be fucking insane. Haden, Williams, a ton of young talent, and a guy who would've been a first round pick if he'd come out one year earlier. There was no risk in this; this late in the draft, see if you can't find your next Richard Sherman.
The main thing we didn't touch in this draft was WR, and yes, that list from earlier is true. I would've liked to see us add a pure WR1 here, but the commitment was clearly to round out this defense, which is exactly what the FO did. It was almost refreshing; a draft that wasn't going for splash players, but was made as honest-to-god building blocks for 4-5 years down the line. Using foresight in a Cleveland Browns draft, who'd have thought that was fucking possible?
Note: I also did a defending the draft piece which sums up most of what I said. Check out the whole series over at /NFL_Draft.

Other Offseason News That Affected The Team

...okay, fuck.
  • Johnny Rehab: Johnny Manziel basically hit the wall, and hit it hard, starting with a party on the Friday night before the season ending game in Baltimore, which resulted in a ton of drama and punishments for multiple members of the team. After every hot take that could ever be made about Manziel's ability to succeed and his potential dependency on the party life, Manziel finally checked into rehab on February 4th. I'm not sure where Manziel goes from this, honestly. Since his check out from rehab, he did have what seemed like a majonon-incident at a golf course, but he also left his party-enabling lavish apartment at "The 9" downtown to move to the suburbs, dropped the "Johnny Football" moniker, and by most accounts seems to be working his ass off after a first season that went absolutely off the rails. The Browns have dug themselves into a Manziel shaped hole, and 2015 is going to either tell us if Manziel can dig his own way out, both on and off the field, or just keep digging deeper until the Browns have to give up and try again in 2016. We'll see.
  • Text-gate-gate: Ray Farmer will be suspended for the first 4 games for sending texts down to the field discussing play calls. I'm conflicted, because it feels like Farmer is a good guy with an eye for late-round talent and UDFA's, who was jerked around in 2014 by Old Man Haslam. Was he doing Haslam’s stooge work here, or was he just passionate about righting the ship? Just...Ray, I like you for the most part. Please just stay out of trouble for 2015. I don't wanna turn over this organization yet.
  • Josh Gordon Suspended...Again: ..........sigh. Josh Gordon gets caught drinking on a plane after the regular season had ended during a trip to Vegas and gets tested upon landing. He didn't know he couldn't drink until the end of the entire season, and writes a passive aggressive letter about how he doesn't have a substance abuse problem and the entire team starts getting fingers pointed at, even drawing "Uncle" Phil Taylor into a response. Whether you think Gordon is an addict or not, it doesn't matter; he's been through the ringer and still doesn't fucking know better. If he's back in 2016 and can keep his moronic ass on the field, fantastic, because the Browns need him, but if not, this might be the end. Inevitably, he'll go win a Super Bowl somewhere else, we know this. But if you're trying to change the culture, you can't let this guy fuck up again, and they did. This many chances to play in the rules of the system he backed into on his own accord, it's frustrating to watch. He's got Megatron-level talent but his biggest enemy seems to be himself.
  • The new Browns, Same As the Old Browns: This year was Nike's rebranding for Cleveland, and things did not start well with the new logo, which was the same logo with a brighter gradient in spite of media hype and some internal push for how exciting the rebrand would be. It resulted in an insane amount of mockery early on as a result. Although the "brown was unchanged", the uniforms were not, and although the damn stripe that cuts off just before the shoulder pisses me off, they've grown on me a bit, so kudos on that much. Hopefully this is a catalyst to the culture change that front offices and fans in Cleveland have been dying for.

Projected Starting Lineup

Offense

QB: Josh McCown, followed by Johnny Manziel - Kind of hilarious that every pundit is suggesting that Josh McCown is being asked to be the long term starter for Cleveland as a 34 year old career backup, but I have a feeling that he'll be starting off the season. But at the end of the day, it's all down to Manziel to play this season. You must see what we have in this kid and take the good and the bad, because learning you have nothing is better than blindly hoping you have something. Or McCown.
RB: Duke Johnson - If you read into camp, Duke Johnson has been playing his dick off. I think that the RB1 role is going to be fluid with Crow and West, but Duke's pass-catching ability might move him into a prominent role faster than expected.
FB: Malcolm Johnson - We’ve got nobody else.
WR1: Dwayne Bowe - Bowe is the closest thing on this team to being a pure WR1 right now in the absence of veteran help or a true star, so he'll have this role.
WR2: Brian Hartline - Hartline worked well as a WR2 in Miami and he'll be called upon to be more of the same here. I expect Vince Mayle to be waiting in the wings.
Slot WR: Andrew Hawkins - After getting a...well, absurd contract in the steal from Cincinnati in 2014, Hawkins lived up to what was needed in the absence of big-bodied WR's in 2014 and should continue that trend. Taylor Gabriel and Travis Benjamin will be waiting.
TE: Rob Housler - This is honestly the biggest toss-up coming out of camp stories, because we don't know if Housler can truly make the jump this year. But I'd venture that Housler will be the top option with Barnidge getting some other opportunities and TefleDray getting blocking reps.
LT: Joe Thomas - ...duh.
LG: Joel Bittonio - ...yawn.
C: Alex Mack - ...zzz.
RG: Cameron Erving - Erving has been exponentially better as an inside lineman. I figure he will be moved between RG and RT as needed to see what sets work best with Greco and Schwartz, but I think he is ultimately an upgrade over Greco. His next best option would be to be at RT, and to move Schwartz into the RG role.
RT: Mitchell Schwartz - I believe this is his contract year, so he'll have a lot to prove either here or at RG, that he’s beyond his 5th round evaluation.

Defense

LDE: Desmond Bryant - Desmond played a tough 2014 campaign, and although Cooper will probably push him for this spot (along with Armonty Bryant), I think Desmond will have it locked down to start.
NT: Danny Shelton - Feast Mode is having a luau.
RDE: Randy Starks - Veteran presence wins out. Xavier Cooper might see some play time, but I don't see him completely lapping Starks. Expect Phil Taylor to also be in the mix here, if not at NT.
LOLB: Barkevious Mingo - Yes, a baby did eat my Mingo. Hopefully he can continue his progress into this season, because he needs to with Orchard nipping.
LILB: Karlos Dansby - A veteran leader coming off injury who should continue to be a spark in the LB corps.
RILB: Craig Robertson - I'd like to see Robertson make a stronger push this season into becoming a more well-rounded open-field defender, but he’ll do for now.
ROLB: Paul "T-1000" Kruger - THOSE EYES
CB1: Joe Haden - Haden's emergence as a leader and great talent at the CB position locks him in.
CB2: Tramon Williams - Tramon is going to have to battle to keep this all year; you've got a hungry bunch behind him in Gilbert/Williams/DesiGaines.
FS: Tashaun Gipson - Beyond the contract struggle, Gipson has been rock solid at the FS position lately and hopefully continues his progression.
SS: Donte Whitner - Twitter Troll Supreme

Special Teams

P: Andy Lee - Put 'em on the 1 yard line, Andy.
K: Not Billy Cundiff - At this point, fucking anybody. If I had to watch Billy Cundiff botch one more close distance FG I was going to lose my fucking mind.
KR: Marlon Moore - Moore's role on this team is pretty much exclusively this, but Duke Johnson and Travis Benjamin will likely challenge him. I hope Benjamin can turn back the clock and get his KR status back to the shape it once was.

Position Group Strengths and Weaknesses

Position Group Strengths Weaknesses
QB Manziel is still young. McCown won't do anything too stupid. Manziel is still a rookie. McCown won't do anything too smart.
RB Depth. Three dynamic backs bringing something different to the table with each. Lack of experience; two sophomores and a rookie.
WTE Lots of guys with a lot to prove. That proof needs to come fast: no proven talent, no proven game-changers, no proven big-bodied true WR1.
O-Line Depth has been added, the left side is fucking impeccable, could be a top 10 line this year if all are healthy. The weakest point (Mitchell Schwartz) will be pretty weak comparatively.
D-Line Heavy investment in developing the Lake Erie Buffet Line with Starks, Shelton, and Cooper. A few odd-men out in the rotation, need to get Shelton to speed quick.
LB Corps Strong veteran presence, Mingo getting better. But if the pass rush does improve, is it time to revamp again?
Secondary Deep as fuck, young, two strong starters and solid nickel options. I still wouldn't want to run sets with Haden not on the field; where does Gilbert fit?
Special Teams We don't have Billy Cundiff anymore. Our kicker is not Phil Dawson.

Training Camp Battles to Watch

QB - Manziel vs McCown: The obvious answer here. Will Manziel make enough progress to wrestle away the starting job from McCown before we need to go with McCown being forced into high-pressure situations? COULD CONNOR SHAW EMERGE AND DESTROY SOME WORLDS AND SHOCK EVERYONE?!
RB - Johnson vs West vs Crowell: Early line says Crowell will be the starter because he appears the most well rounded; West has a plow-forward play style that might be in better shape with the healthy offensive line; Johnson is a dynamic pass-catching back with elusiveness. I'm with the Duke, and all 3 should get touches, but who knows?
TE - Housler vs Barnidge: This is the closest thing to competition in the receiving corps we'll have due to proven talent ahead at everything else. I think Housler locks it down but both should find playing time.
RT/RG - Greco vs Schwartz vs Erving: How this eventually plays out should be interesting to watch; it's going to come down to whatever two make the most sense opening up on the line. For me, it's Erving at RG and Schwartz at RT, but it all depends.
DE - Bryant vs Starks vs Cooper vs Taylor vs A. Bryant: With Armonty Bryant and Uncle Phil healthy, there could be serious competition for the ends this year; Cooper and Taylor have to fit somewhere, and Armonty played his ass off in limited time in 2014.
CB2 - Tramon Williams vs The field: Can Justin Gilbert step up and take away the CB2 role from the veteran? Can a Ka'Waun Williams jump into the lead role, or even Pierre Desir? Is Charles Gaines capable enough to tap into finesse and take the spot?

Let's Talk Schemes, With JohnnyFire, Who Doesn't Know How Schemes Work For Shit

This was an optional point of the review, but hey, lemme attempt to work it out.
Offensive scheme: In case it wasn't obvious, with the offensive line shoring and the addition of another talented RB, the Browns are going to be working a run-first offense. Everything will be going through the ground game, meaning the interior of the line will be called on to open up big run lanes early. It also means that we're not going to be gunslinging, least of all with McCown in there. The short passing game and smart out-routes will likely be the staples for this offense until we get another weapon in 2016, so I expect Hawkins (and Johnson as an option) to get tons of looks. Long term, it’s also key that we play into what strengths Manziel actually exhibits, and not try to fit a square peg into a round hole here; Manziel's legs and deep-ball awareness can still be tapped into if asked. It's going to be a bit of a mish-mash ground-and-pound short-game offense in 2015, unless Manziel's skill set has expanded far beyond what we think.
Defensive scheme: Jim O'Neill's D shouldn't be changing up too much, only becoming expanded on with more playmakers. O'Neill suggested that although the Browns are currently running a 3-4, the talent they have could open up some 4-3 sets (likely meaning we would see a front 4 of Bryant/TayloShelton/Starks or Cooper, with a 3-rush LB of KrugeDansby/Mingo. That's very intriguing.) I wish I could go more technical into this, but quite honestly, it's not my forte; I just know that Pettine and O'Neill wanted a strong all-around D, and although we need to see what the new additions actually do, on paper, it looks like a strong squad now and moving forward.

Schedule Predictions

The Browns have a tougher schedule than they did in 2014, and with much of the same defense and an offense in transition, they went 7-9. The offense is now in limbo while the defense got better, so...ehhhhhh? I'll aim for as reasonable as I can.
Week 1: @ New York Jets: New York's revamped D is solid, but their offense could still sink them. If the Browns can make their offense falter early, they'll have a chance, but winning week 1 on the road isn't exactly easy. Let's assume the D is up to the challenge for NYJ right off the bat and make this a close defensive effort on both fronts, with Cleveland losing a tough one. Cleveland loses 17-13 (0-1)
Week 2: vs Tennessee Titans: Here's the coming out party for this defense and the first chance to see if this offense is good enough. Tennessee's team is just flatly lacking in overall talent right now, although they do have some playmakers here. The last thing the Browns want is to get spanked by oft-mocked-to-them Mariota. I think they can pull off a motivated home opener win. Cleveland wins 20-14 (1-1)
Week 3: vs Oakland Raiders: Oakland, in my view, had a pretty solid draft, but I'm not sure they've entirely turned the corner, even with the emergence of Derek Carr. I think a strong defensive front and the strong secondary can keep him in check long enough for whoever is slinging the ball to keep it together into a solid but close win. Cleveland wins 24-21 (2-1)
Week 4: @ San Diego Chargers: Unfortunately I can't see Cleveland heading out to the West Coast and dominating a still fairly tough Chargers team. Unless they rattle Rivers hard and fast right off the bat, but that's doubtful honestly. They could keep it competitive though. Cleveland loses 28-17 (2-2)
Week 5: @ Baltimore Ravens: The Browns have not won in Baltimore since 2007, and only 3 times since 1999. That's...bad. And Baltimore is still good enough to keep that trend up I fear after an offensive reload. Cleveland loses 35-20 (2-3)
Week 6: vs Denver Broncos: You have no idea how much I'd love to spank Peyton Manning at home, and I'd imagine this will probably be closer with the Browns getting some attention against the tougher team. But I can't doubt Denver just yet; I do think the downfall for Denver may be on the horizon, but not yet. Cleveland loses 31-21 (2-4)
Week 7: @ St. Louis Rams: Another "Tough D vs so-so Offense" matchup. My hope is by now the offense will have settled in with whoever's at the helm (I'd assume Manziel by this point) and can get the big road win, even though this could be a toss up if Nick Foles and the strong D finally make this St. Louis's "next year" we've been waiting on. Ah, fuck it. Let's call it an upset. Cleveland wins 18-17. (3-4)
Week 8: vs Arizona Cardinals: I have pretty high hopes for Arizona if they stay healthy, and at the mid-point of the season, that's pretty much all it will come down to. This is the start of a tough 3-game swing for Cleveland and if Carson and the D remains upright, I think they dispatch the Browns post haste. Cleveland loses 24-13 (3-5)
Week 9: @ Cincinnati Bengals: ALERT! ALERT! Primetime Andy Dalton Game! Primetime Andy Dalton Game! We probably will actually get blown out as revenge for last season, but fuck it, I have to rip on someone other than my own team at some point in these predictions! Cleveland wins 24-21 (4-5)
Week 10: @ Pittsburgh Steelers: Fucking Steelers with their good drafting and respectable organization and history of winning and Super Bowls. And then they have a solid 2015 draft too. But hey, their RB smokes weed and got caught and got suspended everyone point and laugh, please, my self esteem needs it, HAHAHAHA--we're not winning this game are we? Cleveland loses 30-13 (4-6)
Week 11: Bye
Week 12: vs Baltimore Ravens: Monday Night Football in Cleveland, OH. Reason dictates that this will be the biggest game of Cleveland's season, and coming off the bye and a tough in-division loss to Pittsburgh, I'm going to buck the trend here and say that Cleveland pulls off the upset and wins a key game in primetime in the division, shutting down the revamped offense and Sam the Eagle. Cleveland wins 27-21 (5-6)
Week 13: vs Cincinnati Bengals: Damnit, I wanted two games with Primetime Andy Dalton. If we take the jokes aside, the Bengals are a strong squad that will be in playoff contention, and this late in the season, this will probably be a must-win for them. Cleveland loses 28-14 (5-7)
Week 14: vs San Francisco 49ers: I honestly feel bad for San Francisco at this point. They're probably not going to completely fall off, but coming into a year wish such promise, there has just been so much turnover in that organization this year it's almost mind numbing. I'd hope Cleveland can keep their heads up and take advantage of it. Cleveland wins 31-18 (6-7)
Week 15: @ Seattle Seahawks: ......fuck. Cleveland loses 35-13 (6-8)
Week 16: @ Kansas City Chiefs: Because going from the loudest stadium in the NFL to the second loudest stadium in the NFL is just a thing that happens. Cleveland loses 27-24 (6-9)
Week 17: vs Pittsburgh Steelers: There is nothing more important in any given season than logging a win against the fucking Pittsburgh Steelers. At least until we get over this mental and metaphysical hump that has held the Browns down for so damn long in their own wallowing. After two tough challenges on the road, I think the Browns can pull off one season-ending upset in spite of everything to end the season strong and accomplish two things: match last year's record without an elite QB, and hit .500 in the division. Cleveland wins 17-14 (7-9)

Verdict:

Reasonably, I'd say between 6-10 (drop either the STL or PIT game) and 8-8 (win against SD early?) is pretty solid. Our offense just plainly is not good enough right now. If Cleveland shows up for some big games or takes advantage of their strength on defense early, they might be able to break .500, but I don't see this squad hitting the playoffs in 2015. The lack of a franchise QB limits my optimism for toss ups.

Wrap-Up

I said last year that the most important thing for Cleveland in 2014 was not to make a playoff push or to win "x" amount of games; it was to facilitate a culture change, to get away from the "LOLBROWNS" and the "woe is me" that has permeated the organization since their return from expansion. Many people have tried to make that happen, but stupid moves, or regressions, or giving up too early, or just plainly getting the wrong players at the wrong time, it's all added up to misery. With that said...this is the closest I've seen this team to having a long-term plan in place to get over that hump. Yes, you have some issues on offense, but the offseason, the draft, the move to get more compensatory picks in 2016, the feeling that Pettine and Farmer are locked in, it's a good feeling.
Are the Browns going to light the world on fire in 2015? No. But they don't need to right now. Get that defense up to working speed. Keep the run game and offensive line strong. Don't panic fire Pettine or Farmer because things don't add up to a 10-6 finish. Don't start scrambling around or getting cheeky with your QB if things go crazy. I no longer see this team as rebuilding, but rather finally fucking building; investing heavily in the trenches and crafting a strong defense. There have been growing pains of this regime, but unlike in the Holmgren era, or the Policy era, or the Savage era, it doesn't feel for naught. There is something being established, and if we as fans can have some patience for a change, I think we could see the second half of this decade be very, very fun if the course stays.
...or we'll be LOLBROWNS again. Such is the cycle of Browns fans.
Special thanks to admiralkit, TheFencingCoach, skepticismissurvival, TheVetNoob, everyone over on /Browns, and Dusty Rhodes. We been through some Hard Times, bay-beh.
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JoJo's OC Tournament #3 - Round 4 Wrap-up

The results are in for match 5 and match 6. The winner of match 5 is…
Buffalo Soldier, with a score of 66 to Russ Teneo’s 65!
Category Winner Point Totals Comments
Popularity Russ Teneo 18-22 A lot of debate came down to the very first things that Russ Teneo did, and whether or not recruiting a random passerby was a feasible strategy or not, but thankfully nobody seemed to consider it the sole deciding factor of the strategy, giving both it and Buffalo’s a fair analysis to the tune of a close 5-6… And a third, singular voice citing with confidence that Destiny Showdown would be the one to land the killing blow. Though counting it technically wouldn’t have made a difference in terms of who ultimately came out as the victor, the one-point lead makes too much of a point about how tight a match this truly was.
Quality Buffalo Soldier 24-21 Reasoning.
JoJolity Buffalo Soldier 24-22 Reasoning.
Who the… Who the hell is this guy? Russ Teneo had pulled out all the stops in curbing the madman who’d suddenly appeared during his assassination attempt, but for his trouble, was ultimately left collapsed on his hands and knees, struggling to stand and no longer even noticed by the man who’d defeated him and taken down the senator to boot.
Jules can’t fight anymore… I’m all that’s left of Jaded Justice! I can’t just… I can’t… Just…
Buffalo Soldier slung his most potent weapon over his shoulder, standing in the remains of the battle-worn truck stop. There were only two once-living things in this entire area still standing: him, and Destiny Showdown.
Destiny took a defensive stance as Buffalo walked closer, only for the wild man to look off to something by the side of what remained of Senator Elliot’s limousine: the shot-up corpse of Thela Hun Ginjeet.
Buffalo closed his onetime leader’s eyes, picked him up, and slinged him over his shoulder. “There’s something he would have wanted.”
Moments later, a bus pulls back up to the wrecked truck stop, skidding to a halt next to Buffalo and Destiny. Desummoning Window Licker, Amaki Castillo, very visibly shaken but unharmed, emerged. “Buffalo Soldier. You are… Going to explain why I woke up being shot at and had to drive the bus alone!”
“The two of you…” Destiny gives a relieved smile, clutching his wounded arm still. “I would have died if it wasn’t for the two of you.” And a frown, looking at Thela again. “I’m sorry I could not save your companion… He fought and lived valiantly, according to his own ideals.” He strokes his chin some. “This… Whole mess, with the bodies of the senator and his men… I’ll dispose of it. You needn’t worry a minute about authorities tracing any of this back to you. That’s the most I can do to repay you.”
“Really? You’re just gonna…” Amaki had a feeling this is a really good thing, even when she didn’t really understand what was going on. “What’s the catch?”
“All I ask in return,” Destiny offers, “is whatever may still be inside Russ Teneo’s car. I can even show you whatever I find.”
Speaking for both of them, Buffalo was quick to answer. “…deal. Best thing we can get right now.”
Over the course of the next several minutes, Amaki and Buffalo watched in awe and slight horror as, very methodically, the supernaturally talented restaurateur, using his stand’s fluids, reduced the blood-soaked battlefield of a truck stop covered in damning evidence into a disturbingly sterile place, riddled with skeletons laying in this or that position, special Deep Purple weapons disassembled or destroyed to an unrecognizable extent.
“All should be good here…” Destiny looks at a car approaching in the distance. “Ah, and perfect timing. My ride is here.”
With his new acquisition, before either of Amaki or Buffalo could get a good look at the driver, Destiny had piled into the car, which sped away in the direction from which it came.
Ah, Destiny. I hadn’t suspected my faith to be misplaced, but am I ever glad to see you again. I take it by the veritable boneyard I drove in on that your mission was a success?
“There were… complications. I regret that Thela Hun Ginjeet lost his life in the struggle, and some others had to help me in the end,” he admits, “as you probably knew by the man who rode off to meet you. Speaking of him, I trust Wyland is…”
Thela… It’s possible such a man with resolve like his could have understood us. At least, I’d like to think.” GIANTS’ usually clean-cut silhouette was noticeably frayed at the edges, his clothing seeming torn, singed, or otherwise worn out. Looking down at his own state of appearances, his voice once again rings out with deep self-satisfaction. “In any case, Wyland is about as likely to trouble us again as the monster we’ve slain today.
“That’s… good.” Destiny winces through his teeth, clutching his bleeding arm. “Could you take care of this?”
Naturally. I just didn’t want to presume.” As he reaches out to place his shade-cloaked hand on Destiny’s wound, something gives him a moment of pause. “I don’t take it that what you’re holding is… ” Implores the shadow, having already pulled away from Destiny’s no-longer bleeding arm.
Destiny brings the object close to the driver, and his eyes go wide in excitement. “It was exactly as I’d suspected… This is ‘The Hanging Tree.’”
Excellent. Of course, I take it that this means that another one of those ‘groups’ in this hunt…
Destiny nods. “Jaded Justice will trouble us no more. All of its members are either deceased or no longer in any condition to fight again.”
The first of them to drop out of this was Akiyoshi Yamamoto, who left the team after that bungee jumping battle at the Grand Canyon caused by our late associate. He’s recovered and rejoined the Speedwagon Foundation since, but their Japanese branch is more preoccupied with possible associates to Deep Purple. He won’t trouble us.
The second to depart was Miras Atrium, who was on that second model volcano created by Barbie Girl, alongside Henry Walshmann. He lacked the… Resolve, that his companions had, and has simply withdrawn from this hunt entirely.
Blue Monday was quite the skilled leader and investigator, and even a decent gambler by his track record against Crowbar Jackson in the House of the Rising Sun. Lilah disposed of him with no complications.
Henry Walshman survived the same faux volcanic eruption Miras did, only to be defeated in Dubai taking an elevator at the same time as Baron Mordechai. He never even managed to meet Blue Monday before he expired and the elevator he’d been bleeding out in crashed.
Grace Vincent… A sad casualty of someone else’s assassination. After she showed so much resolve in defeating that raccoon in a Deep Purple research facility, she too fell victim to a fatal crash orchestrated by Lilah Dawn after that bizarre test Missy Elliot’s former babysitter put her through.
Their third longest lasting, and their oldest member, Tsao Xu, who was instrumental in the murder of Flori Dada and cutting of half our funding with the help of Bikini Bottom… If I recall Mr. Roan’s report on that correctly, he died of old age after attempting to curtail Manny Elflad’s hospital massacre.
Jules Langlais, that young man who seemed inseparable for awhile from Russ Teneo. They defeated the Ultraviolet Underground on a stretch of road not unlike this one, but then he failed alongside Tsao Xu at that hospital. Teaming up again with Russ, the pair was able to kill Marco F. Caine before he could be a problem for us, only to be defeated by his teammate in some mob-run batting cage and put in critical condition.
Russ Teneo proved to be a fiercer fighter than any of his allies. I reiterate that he defeated two members of the Ultraviolet Underground, and under greatly confusing circumstances, he and a user from another team defeated that Aunt Leslie fellow who never accepted your invitation. Again with the help of Jules, he defeated the Philosophers of Hardy Diamond. I think he was trying to save me and Thela Hun Ginjeet, but in the end, he took Buffalo Soldier’s appearance as a challenge and wound up fighting him over who could assassinate Mr. Elliot. Suffice to say, he was bested.
“It’s unfortunate, really…” Destiny’s commander remarked with a sigh. “They truly thought they were defending a greater good, many of them unjust casualties in fate’s attempts to obstruct our path...”
“The world could stand to have more people like them… I’ve always appreciated the work of the Foundation in general. It saddens me that they’ve stood in our way…”
Elsewhere, not long after…
The winner of match 6 is…
The Player Team, with a score of 71 to Strawberry Roan’s 69!
Category Winner Point Totals Comments
Popularity Cosmic Chiefs 22-18 Even with a major misunderstanding, the player team’s strategy was considered solid enough that even those five who voted against it made a point of mentioning how positively solid it was. Votes were piling in until the last minute, disagreeing over whether Strawberry’s long game or the players’ hunting tactics would win out, and if there had been one less, the results of this match would have been completely different.
Quality Cosmic Chiefs 26-25 Reasoning.
JoJolity Strawberry Roan 23-25 Reasoning.
Gina’s shot rang through the air. Her and Lucil had cornered Roan, Lucil in particular having just assaulted him in short-range. He was on the backswing; he had evaded her, gotten a few shots off and ran, but Gina was prepared. He slinked, just briefly, into the range of her [Bad Name], and with the guidance of her Stand, fired off a shot. A low cough and groan made it very clear; the shot had found its mark. It had taken a few stressful hours, but a clean shot was landed on the gunslinger, a follow-up to a beatdown. As Gina pulled the trigger, Lucil and her [Around the World] made their approach.
“You hit him?” Lucil asked, her body hit with a few cuts, scrapes, and bruises.
“Yeah.” Lucil replied curtly.
“Is it safe to make an approach?”
”Let’s see…” [Bad Name’s] voice echoed into Gina’s mind. “Seems like you got him right in the gut… He’s propped himself, sitting under a tree. Doesn’t look like he’s armed. If you wanna question him, make it fast, I think he might be bleeding out.”
“... Seems like it.” Gina finally replied, standing up and swinging her rifle on to her back. “Let’s hurry. He might not have long left for questioning.”
Lucil grimly nodded, following her partner into the woods, towards the gunslinger…
It was already unprecedented for us to even start Round 3, and here we are now closing off Round 4, and both matches on such close notes in all categories… It’s hard to even think of anything to say, I’m blown away by how much closer to the end we’ve made it so far.
Out of the 64 players to have originally entered this tournament, only 8 are remaining as we move into the final round. To everyone who made it this far, to their teammates, and even those who participated in any capacity, we suggest you give yourselves a pat on the back.
As always to any sub-only spectators out there, if you would like first updates and news about the tournament, as well as the ability to interact with the members of the tournament community, then please feel free to PM a member of our Judge Staff and ask for a link to the Official Tournament Discord Server!
Round 4 End Credits theme.
After having proven herself in a race through the vicious Soul Train, poor Mute needed time to herself again. Lucil was great company, of course, but she’d had a lot to think about, and loneliness, in its own ways, was frequently very comforting for her. Not that she wasn’t worried about her, of course, especially since she’d be gone for days, but she had a feeling this one wasn’t forever like Baron.
“A lot of people have died for whatever this is going to give us…” Mute examined her team’s artifact once more. “I wonder what all can really be worth this much…”
Amaki Castillo, who had emerged victorious from a brawl in a sketchy casino’s ballroom not long ago, rested her head on the steering wheel of the banged-up Astral Traveler. Sweet Connelly walked out from under a seat, making a hard to read face at Amaki and making her jump a bit in surprise at the sight.
“Never a dull day, huh..?” She mused to the fox, then looked back at her sole human passenger. “Can we just get out of here now? You can explain everything to me on the way as far from here as possible…”
“That coat…” Gregor Yuvecksky looked at the dark-colored article of clothing with quizzical interest.
“Oh, this?” Geoff Wetton looked down at his newest article of clothing. “It… turned up on the shore when we were in Australia. I swear it’s the same one that Soichi fellow had.”
“And it survived being underwater, surrounded by blood and sharks, eh? Perhaps the coat itself is lucky…” Gregor lets out a mildly amused exhale, but his heart isn’t in it, considering his gruesome last run-in with the thing.
“Then hopefully I’ll be its first owner to truly channel that,” Geoff remarks, mixed emotions similarly present in his voice.
Anna Rose, after another trip to a sports-related match, was back at the university. She took a sip of yet another can of Doctor Doctor Doctor; since associating it with her victory over Jules, they’d become a beverage she just couldn’t get enough of.
“No more sports,” she said with a content sigh, setting it down and taking a seat. “From now on I’m just fully in ass-kicking mode.” She calls out to the younger and older men in the next room over. “You hear that, you two?! Ass-kicking mode!
“…someplace with vultures,” Buffalo Soldier responded after some thought, looking at what’s left of Thela. “That’s what he’d want to happen to him.”
As Amaki nodded with uncertainty, she pulled over both to look at something on the roadside and actually google some important things relating to what he just said. They were in the middle of nowhere after successfully assassinating a Floridan senator..
“Well…” Lucil Caravan rubbed the side of her neck, unsure what to say after what had just gone down. “It’s certainly been… A few days!”
“Strawberry Roan…” Gina Halfway sighs, Bad Name looking over her guns. “I never could have had a greater test of my sniping skills than taking you on, and never could have completed it without your help, Miss Caravan.”
“Y’know,” Lucil remarks, gazing around at everything and nothing in particular, “I’ve got a friend who’s real bummed out our duo couldn’t become a trio… Maybe you could head back with us? If you’re all alone yourself…”
“We’ll consider it!” Bad Name chimes in. “At least, we’ll check the place out!”
Sitting in a swiveling chair in a remote location, Brooke Elliot tossed her burner cell phone at the nearby wall hard. Her husband Randall and his prime enforcer Ryder had failed to answer any of the countless calls she’d made since learning the attack was underway. “They’re… They’re dead…” Elbows on the desk before her, she buried her face in her hands, whimpering for a short while.
“Er, Mrs. Elliot..?” Another feminine voice, this one with a thick accent, snaps her out of her funk, looking up at the figure walking in. “Sorry to barge in, but…”
“Now isn’t a good time, Nijinga…” She sniffles. “He’s… He’s dead.”
“We had a feeling… ‘She’ thought that you might want this, is all.” The woman holds out a handful of dubious pills.
“I swore off that shit when I got married. Don’t tempt me.”
“Right, right…” The other woman retracts the hand. “She just wanted me to ask, is all.” She pauses, thinking. “If… Ryder and Mr. E are both dead, then that means you’re in charge, yes? What are we doing now?”
“For now..?” Brooke looks solemnly at the other woman. “I need time to mourn, to think, and we can’t let this place fall into enemy hands anyway. Keep holding the fort down.”
“And your daughter? Should we send for her?”
“No, no… She’s. Safer where she is. Tell the rest of the Perfect Strangers to prepare for an attack. I’m sure someone’s going to come hunting this place down eventually anyway.”
The next scene ought to be familiar to regular readers by now: the nice room with plenty of seat space at a big table, an old-timey radio playing out the song this round is ending on. Two men, GIANTS and Destiny Showdown, and a woman, Lilah Dawn, sit around one side of the table, reconvening for the first time since the end of the previous round.
“Everyone here succeeded in their missions, yet one less of us is here again…” Lilah Dawn reflects, a bittersweet touch to her voice.
“I made a humiliating miscalculation and cost the life of a friend and potentially ally,” Destiny, still beating himself up over that, remarks, “even if the world is finally rid of the senator, and we’re one little patch closer to what we desire.”
What matters is that the rest of us still live, Destiny. Strawberry Roan may have failed in the end, but the memory of his steadfast resolution will give us strength. We must, as he would have said, ‘Stand Proud.’ We have little time for regret or mourning, even for a man such as himself. Now, with so few obstacles remaining... is when we ought to be acting more decisively than ever.
Lilah brings a hand up against her face, raising her eyebrows. “Sir, are you suggesting what I think you are..?”
I am. With a third of these ‘patches’ under our belt, it’s about time, I would think, that we begin to make a point of acting more directly. It won’t be long, anyway, until ‘somebody’ refuses to play into our hands by squabbling with the rest of their competition.
“These teams are at one another’s throats… Jules Langlais and Anna Rose, then Buffalo Soldier and Russ Teneo, had no quarrel with one another, yet attempted to kill one another on sight,” Destiny reminds the Hall of Heads, “would those who remain really be capable of cobbling together some sense of unity...?”
In a mysterious mansion, where a visiting sniper had begun to piece together precisely who her most recent partner had once worked for, onboard a roaming bus, and at a college campus, a familiar sound comes through on their nearby radios.
Uh… Hey, again. It’s T. T Square. There should be… About eight people receiving this message. And, uh… You know who you are, and what this is about, to some of you in particular, but I’m not holding it against you, just so you know. He wouldn’t have wanted me to. Anyway though, uh… To all eight of you hearing this right now. Coconut Grove, Miami. One week. Meet me there. We have to Stand Proud.
<=To be Continued===
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